NEW YORK—Citing the fact that “cars are fast and everyone likes them” as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. “Wouldn’t it be fun? We think it will be fun. A car can go much…
MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center fielder. EBP (Eyebrow Percentage): .297 Signature Scent: Banana Boat 70 SPF Good Luck Charm:…
That’s right, we’re still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you don’t have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. Reference #374809 The post Plantation-Style Home appeared first on The Onion.
THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the one part of My divine creation I painstakingly made in My image and imbued with all…
Laid-Off To Dreamland Some of us can only dream of something like this ever happening to us. We dream not only of being given the opportunity to stop going to our boring jobs one lucky day, but also of being paid to do it. That’s extremely luxurious. And also something to be celebrated. If this…
This little kitty got lucky. Things could have gone badly for this little kitten. She was found in a box by students with a note that read, “I love my mom, I almost got run over. Wherever you take me, raise me with love” and the rest is history. An American who lives in Korea…
Dogs are actually secret agents of the Cat Distribution System. A pet is a pet, but the best distribution system belongs to the cats. They don’t only have a known name – the Cat Distribution System – they also employ other pets as secret agents, helping the right people find a cat in need and…
Some animal rescues have obvious solutions. If a cat is stuck behind a fence, you open a gate. If a kitten has climbed too high, you find a ladder. But when a cat is stranded in a tree surrounded by water, there are no ordinary options. A tabby kitten is perched on a patch of…
This is one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t let your cats outside unsupervised. If you’re a cat owner, you know that cats would be apex predators if evolution had taken them on a slightly different path. Turns out they enjoy relaxing in a nice sunbeam more than hunting, but if they had to,…
Dopamine hits come in all different forms, so let this one be from meowlarious cats. Cat memes are great because they’re so simple, yet hilarious. We don’t expect them to get us out of a funk, but they manage it anyway. There’s something so purrfect about the combination of cats and dopamine. On the surface,…