PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud. “After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going forward, the game of golf will be really, really loud instead of quiet like it used to be,” said PGA Tour CEO Brian Rolapp, describing plans to install emergency sirens and industrial gas turbines on all golf courses, encourage spectators in the gallery to use air horns and other noisemaking devices, and dispatch a roving polka band to all upcoming PGA events. “Our broadcast booths have been outfitted with military-grade amplification systems capable of blasting a variety of unexpected sound effects at volumes up to 152 decibels, which we’re excited to say they will be doing throughout our tournaments and qualifying events. Also, we’ve instructed golfers and their caddies to smash beer bottles and fling lit M-80s at random intervals or face severe fines. The golf ball is also being engineered to make a ‘sproing’ sound when struck. We feel these changes will give a tremendous boost to the enjoyment and excitement of this beautiful game.” Rolapp was later seen operating two leaf blowers at full throttle as, nearby, a screaming Brooks Koepka attempted to sink a 15-foot putt for birdie.

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